Hi everyone
Some parents have asked the question: How do we get our child to develop some empathy?
This is a powerful question and the answer is a journey for both parents and child.
What is 'empathy' - which our children don't have? Healthy people attune to the internal states of the people we are with, and alongside that we read and interpret the external expressions of feelings. When these match we understand the feelings and state of mind of the other person. When they don't match we feel uncomfortable and take avoiding action - turn away, distract or take over the conversation.
We all have mirroring neurons in our brain. Have you ever reached for a drink and noticed someone else do the same, or yawned and seen that it is catching. The combination of 1. the mirroring instinct, 2. attunement to another's state of mind and 3. reading external sginals of feelings is empathy and it is complex.
Our traumatised children are also good at reading the external signals that show how stressed, frustrated, or upset we are, or even if you are pleased with them, and they are good at recognising the internal states of mind of other people, but it is what their brain does with these messages that is different to the way our brains process these messages. This is what causes them to find empathy difficult.
As infants our brains are designed to learn the patterns that are part of relationships (facial expressions, movements, sounds, smells etc). The infant mirrors what she sees and irritates her caregiver to get her needs met. Patterns mean that we can anticipate what is going to happen and therefore learn how to respond. This process is not a thought out process but a survival instinct.
Our brains are dependent on being in relationship for healthy development. A child whose needs are not met, who meets rejection, repeated separation or abuse (fear and pain) from the key carers will mirror the behaviour they see, and learn to protect themselves from the toxic effects of the other person's internal mind state becasue they can't attune to it. The brain goes into reptillian alarm state of fight, flight or freeze.
Children learn and develop through play. Play is the way the brain heals. When we are afraid, we cannot play because our brains are in fight, flight or freeze mode. In this mode we are looking for the threat (all around us) and our body prepares to respond in survival mode. Yes - the traumatised child can read the signs which should lead to empathy but instead the messages get put into the frame of 'Am I in danger?'. Their mirroring neurons activate and they 'copy' what they learned from how their own feelings were responded to as infants. These were inappropriate responses so they give inappropriate responses to the feelings of others. Affection can be met with rejection; sadness may be met with laughing; order may be met with chaos; praise responded to with sabotage.
So what can we do?
The aim is to help reduce the anxiety of our traumatised child so that he does not need to live in a state of fear, and can become open to mirroring the responses you give to other people. We have been told that 'non-anxious presence' is what is needed - therefore staying with the child without being even politely rejecting ('run and play' or 'I'm busy at the moment') even when your own mind tells you to avoid being in the presence of the child (their trauma fumes are toxic so we try to avoid their space). But what is this 'presence' and why does it help?
The mirroring instinct is active in everyone - so if by being with the child we can offer a non-threatening physical presence, a stable emotional presence and a calm internal state of being (mindfulness) we are offering them a new model of response. If we are open to opportunities, receptive to the child's feelings and can remain calm (with confidence that this is the right road) we will gradually lead the child to mirror this way of being, which will in turn let him play, which will help him trust and begin to understand the patterns of healthy relationships, which will slowly help him dare to receive the meesages that others give.
This is a possible map: ('she' is used throughout but means he and she)
1. Understand and accept the difficulties your child has in learning a new language of relationship: eveyone is a potential threat - levels of anxiety are high - play is difficult - fight/flight/freeze mode is the default position.
2. Listen to the messages your own body gives you when you are with your child and find out ways of relaxing and caring for your self - being mindful of your own needs. How can you develop a calmness and relaxed state out of the presense of your child (this needs practice) that you can then take into the presence of your child (when she may be hell bent on driving you down into a pit of dispair) Telling yourself to be calm just doesn't work and adds to your feeling of being powerless.
3. When you believe that the time you spend with (presence) your child can be constructive, opportunistic, reflective, playful and and have possibilities for attunement (for both of you), you are demonstrating a different way of being - so go for it. Be in the presence of your child with awareness of what is going on for you - and accepting this as the message about what is going on for the child. Practice gently and in short episodes increasing the time as you gain confidence.
4. You will start to feel the child's alarm and hyper state (attunement with a traumatised child sets our own alarm system clanging - but remind yourself that these are is not your own feelings). Have confidence that the child's brain will be picking up your state with her mirroring neurons and alert attuning system. It will be slow and the child will ar first reject your presence as threatening (it must be dangerous because this is new to them).
5. Connect with all the child's senses: Hearing: use a clam or curious voice - sound frequencies that can stroke the child and reduce their anxiety. Touch: use safe touch confidently and gently (being sensitive if she can't cope with touch) without being rough which would raise their state of alertness (playfully, caring, brushing hair, cream on hands or feet, hand clapping games with rhythm etc. etc.). Smell: leave something that has your perfume on it when you are not there - or for her to take to school, or just accept that being in her presence will transmit comfortable body smells that will help reduce anxiety. Sight: smile at her when possible (not when you are angry as this will be seen as false) make funny faces, draw or write notes with positive messages, devise some sign language. Taste: share a snack you both enjoy in a quiet moment (do not promise snacks as rewards - rewards don't work in this journey - see blog on consequences below)
6. There are other internal senses at work which will help the child relax, and integrate her feelings/experiences/beliefs as worth being cared for. The signs you are looking for to see progress is the child looking towards you in new situations, the child sharing what they are playing with to get your interest and approval, the child seeking you out for comfort or guidance, the child allowing you to keep them safe and reliquishing her need to be in controll all the time. Don't be put off with increased dramas and anger which will be caused by the child's fear of any change - feelings of being unsafe.
7. When the child is able to pick up new patterns of being in relationship (slow process) she will learn to read the messages of others in a new way - this is empathy and includes integration, increased resilience and the development of trust.
8. We can't take away the trauma she experienced, but we can help her heal from the effects of that trauma, but it is slow and gradual and worth it.
9. Keep looking after yourself - like you would a vehicle which needs petrol on the inside, cleaning on the outside and to be in good running order. You dont' drive in a clapped out or worn out car so don't let yourself get worn down. You are the priority here if you are to give the child a model of self-care so that she can mirror your state of being.
10. You can't do this by yourself. You may need your time to share with friends, you may need counselling and you do need to talk to others on the same journey. Keep your maps up to date by attending meetings or reading articles - Adoption UK AGM this year has a brilliant speaker. Bryan Post. Look it up on their website if you haven't already. Let us know how you get on.
Joy Hasler
30.08.2011
