Hi everyone
Some parents have asked the question: How do we get our child to develop some empathy?
This is a powerful question and the answer is a journey for both parents and child.
What is 'empathy' - which our children don't have? Healthy people attune to the internal states of the people we are with, and alongside that we read and interpret the external expressions of feelings. When these match we understand the feelings and state of mind of the other person. When they don't match we feel uncomfortable and take avoiding action - turn away, distract or take over the conversation.
We all have mirroring neurons in our brain. Have you ever reached for a drink and noticed someone else do the same, or yawned and seen that it is catching. The combination of 1. the mirroring instinct, 2. attunement to another's state of mind and 3. reading external sginals of feelings is empathy and it is complex.
Our traumatised children are also good at reading the external signals that show how stressed, frustrated, or upset we are, or even if you are pleased with them, and they are good at recognising the internal states of mind of other people, but it is what their brain does with these messages that is different to the way our brains process these messages. This is what causes them to find empathy difficult.
As infants our brains are designed to learn the patterns that are part of relationships (facial expressions, movements, sounds, smells etc). The infant mirrors what she sees and irritates her caregiver to get her needs met. Patterns mean that we can anticipate what is going to happen and therefore learn how to respond. This process is not a thought out process but a survival instinct.
Our brains are dependent on being in relationship for healthy development. A child whose needs are not met, who meets rejection, repeated separation or abuse (fear and pain) from the key carers will mirror the behaviour they see, and learn to protect themselves from the toxic effects of the other person's internal mind state becasue they can't attune to it. The brain goes into reptillian alarm state of fight, flight or freeze.
Children learn and develop through play. Play is the way the brain heals. When we are afraid, we cannot play because our brains are in fight, flight or freeze mode. In this mode we are looking for the threat (all around us) and our body prepares to respond in survival mode. Yes - the traumatised child can read the signs which should lead to empathy but instead the messages get put into the frame of 'Am I in danger?'. Their mirroring neurons activate and they 'copy' what they learned from how their own feelings were responded to as infants. These were inappropriate responses so they give inappropriate responses to the feelings of others. Affection can be met with rejection; sadness may be met with laughing; order may be met with chaos; praise responded to with sabotage.
So what can we do?
The aim is to help reduce the anxiety of our traumatised child so that he does not need to live in a state of fear, and can become open to mirroring the responses you give to other people. We have been told that 'non-anxious presence' is what is needed - therefore staying with the child without being even politely rejecting ('run and play' or 'I'm busy at the moment') even when your own mind tells you to avoid being in the presence of the child (their trauma fumes are toxic so we try to avoid their space). But what is this 'presence' and why does it help?
The mirroring instinct is active in everyone - so if by being with the child we can offer a non-threatening physical presence, a stable emotional presence and a calm internal state of being (mindfulness) we are offering them a new model of response. If we are open to opportunities, receptive to the child's feelings and can remain calm (with confidence that this is the right road) we will gradually lead the child to mirror this way of being, which will in turn let him play, which will help him trust and begin to understand the patterns of healthy relationships, which will slowly help him dare to receive the meesages that others give.
This is a possible map: ('she' is used throughout but means he and she)
1. Understand and accept the difficulties your child has in learning a new language of relationship: eveyone is a potential threat - levels of anxiety are high - play is difficult - fight/flight/freeze mode is the default position.
2. Listen to the messages your own body gives you when you are with your child and find out ways of relaxing and caring for your self - being mindful of your own needs. How can you develop a calmness and relaxed state out of the presense of your child (this needs practice) that you can then take into the presence of your child (when she may be hell bent on driving you down into a pit of dispair) Telling yourself to be calm just doesn't work and adds to your feeling of being powerless.
3. When you believe that the time you spend with (presence) your child can be constructive, opportunistic, reflective, playful and and have possibilities for attunement (for both of you), you are demonstrating a different way of being - so go for it. Be in the presence of your child with awareness of what is going on for you - and accepting this as the message about what is going on for the child. Practice gently and in short episodes increasing the time as you gain confidence.
4. You will start to feel the child's alarm and hyper state (attunement with a traumatised child sets our own alarm system clanging - but remind yourself that these are is not your own feelings). Have confidence that the child's brain will be picking up your state with her mirroring neurons and alert attuning system. It will be slow and the child will ar first reject your presence as threatening (it must be dangerous because this is new to them).
5. Connect with all the child's senses: Hearing: use a clam or curious voice - sound frequencies that can stroke the child and reduce their anxiety. Touch: use safe touch confidently and gently (being sensitive if she can't cope with touch) without being rough which would raise their state of alertness (playfully, caring, brushing hair, cream on hands or feet, hand clapping games with rhythm etc. etc.). Smell: leave something that has your perfume on it when you are not there - or for her to take to school, or just accept that being in her presence will transmit comfortable body smells that will help reduce anxiety. Sight: smile at her when possible (not when you are angry as this will be seen as false) make funny faces, draw or write notes with positive messages, devise some sign language. Taste: share a snack you both enjoy in a quiet moment (do not promise snacks as rewards - rewards don't work in this journey - see blog on consequences below)
6. There are other internal senses at work which will help the child relax, and integrate her feelings/experiences/beliefs as worth being cared for. The signs you are looking for to see progress is the child looking towards you in new situations, the child sharing what they are playing with to get your interest and approval, the child seeking you out for comfort or guidance, the child allowing you to keep them safe and reliquishing her need to be in controll all the time. Don't be put off with increased dramas and anger which will be caused by the child's fear of any change - feelings of being unsafe.
7. When the child is able to pick up new patterns of being in relationship (slow process) she will learn to read the messages of others in a new way - this is empathy and includes integration, increased resilience and the development of trust.
8. We can't take away the trauma she experienced, but we can help her heal from the effects of that trauma, but it is slow and gradual and worth it.
9. Keep looking after yourself - like you would a vehicle which needs petrol on the inside, cleaning on the outside and to be in good running order. You dont' drive in a clapped out or worn out car so don't let yourself get worn down. You are the priority here if you are to give the child a model of self-care so that she can mirror your state of being.
10. You can't do this by yourself. You may need your time to share with friends, you may need counselling and you do need to talk to others on the same journey. Keep your maps up to date by attending meetings or reading articles - Adoption UK AGM this year has a brilliant speaker. Bryan Post. Look it up on their website if you haven't already. Let us know how you get on.
Joy Hasler
30.08.2011
sticky fingers
Tuesday, 30 August 2011
Sunday, 5 June 2011
'Please feel sorry for me' trap
Aunts, friends, teachers, social workers, grannies, well meaning passers by: these are all potential victims to the 'please feel sorry for me' trap. The child makes them feel special, or triggers sympathy or just turns them into a rescuer (and if the child needs rescuing then there must be a perpetrator - guess who). This is done in a subtle and carefully practiced way so that most people don't realise they have been caught. Once caught - this person is then used to punish parents and make parents appear to be mean and uncaring, or hard and heartless.
What is going on here? What does the child gain from this behaviour?
Important: the child is not calculating or manipulative in the way an adult would be who used this behaviour. For the traumatised child it is learned behaviour that has protected the child from a very early age.
The child has developed a lack of trust in all people. Adults do not give you what you need, and they do not respond to messages of discomfort. So more drastic action is required. Normal attachment behaviour is designed to make the primary attachment figure (parents) uncomfortable by crying or being irritable until the adult does something for the child - and resonance is achieved and bonding happens. If the child does not get his needs met, the instinct to irritate is still active, but becomes a survival mechanism. How do people work? They give sympathy - they rescue if you look helpless - they want to feel that they have eased the hurt of the child, and that the child likes them. So the child very quickly learns to give them what they want and in doing so does not get ignored or hurt. It is amazing that very young children can learn this.
Many children (not all) who are in hospital for any length of time learn the pleasure of getting sympathy from everyone and anyone - strange people surround them and try to compensate for their suffering.
Many traumatised children learn to get the attention they need by trapping people in the 'please see me as a victim'. There are many that see all looked after children in this role anyway. And Adopters are tired of people saying 'Oh aren't you wonderful' Are they seen as rescuers?? If they are rescuers then there must be some victims and persecutors.
But the triange of RESCUER - VICTM - PERSECUTOR goes wrong. If the child is the victim and there are two more roles to be shared out - persecutor or rescuer - the Aunt/friend/passerby does not want to be the persecutor so they take on the role of rescuer - and very quickly see the adopters as the persecutors. (poor little girl with such strict parents) This suits the child who wants these people's positive attention (because they are not important) and wants the parents negative attention (because they are important and that is scary and doesn't fit their 'internal working model'). Unwittingly the rescuers start to be critcal of the parents - 'you are too hard on him', or 'He didn't mean it' or they just give you a look of 'why don't you watch how I get on with him' They mean to be helpful (that is what rescuing is) but instead they become the perpetrator in a new dance with child in the middle playing with them like a cat plays with a mouse. And it seems that whatever the parents do - they are still the bad guys.
What can we do?
1. Recognise and understand the behaviour for what it is - survival in a world full of people the child does not trust. The child needs to be in control and this is a good way of doing it, because most caring people don't realise they are being controlled.
2. Recognise and understand the message the child is giving. This can depend on what stage of recovery they are. At first it is about getting attention that they can control. Later, it is a message to the parents that the child is afraid of the loving boundaries that are set at home. This is too close and scary. So they set out to prove to themselves that they can still control adults. Another later message is (when they realise that this hurts you): 'I don't know how to let you know that I am hurting but I can make you feel it'. Or 'I have been rejected and it hurts - so now I will not only reject you but get your family and friends to reject you too - then you will know how much it hurts.' They anticipate rejection and so try to make it happen and still convince themselves that they can be in control.
3. What is the effect on you? As always – if the child has a message through their behaviour, the answer will be in recognising the effect on you. The feelings you have will be the feelings the child is intending you to get – and that is the message. ‘This is how I feel. I can’t tell you but I can give you the feeling’. The negative effect will be 'secondary trauma' so please read blog below on 'secondary trauma'.
4. Avoid trying to stop the behaviour - you will fall into the pit hole the child has dug for you and get increased criticism from the rescuing adult. Instead, stay calm (Kate Cairns calls in 'non-anxious presence') and stay with the child. Do not let this behaviour move you away. When separate from the rescuing adult, congratulate the child - 'you did well there - she feels sorry for you now' Do not use sarcasm.
5. Keep using the cognitive part of your brain to tell you that these feelings are not yours – they belong to your child who is frightened of loving you.
6. Anticipate that it will happen and plan a response that is gentle, accepting, playful (if you can), curious and empathic. And a response that does not drive you away. I leave that response to you to work out. Practice and practice – your child will give you lots of opportunities to practice.
7. Talk about this with someone who understands. This behaviour can be devastating, and you don’t need to survive it on your own.
8. If you visit a friend with a traumatised child notice when the child tries to charm you – it is very powerful. Work out a gentle response that is supportive to your friend as well as not rejecting the child.
WOW this behaviour is so powerful and often causes the splitting which is then adults playing out the fragmentation of the child’s trauma.
Keep well
Joy
What is going on here? What does the child gain from this behaviour?
Important: the child is not calculating or manipulative in the way an adult would be who used this behaviour. For the traumatised child it is learned behaviour that has protected the child from a very early age.
The child has developed a lack of trust in all people. Adults do not give you what you need, and they do not respond to messages of discomfort. So more drastic action is required. Normal attachment behaviour is designed to make the primary attachment figure (parents) uncomfortable by crying or being irritable until the adult does something for the child - and resonance is achieved and bonding happens. If the child does not get his needs met, the instinct to irritate is still active, but becomes a survival mechanism. How do people work? They give sympathy - they rescue if you look helpless - they want to feel that they have eased the hurt of the child, and that the child likes them. So the child very quickly learns to give them what they want and in doing so does not get ignored or hurt. It is amazing that very young children can learn this.
Many children (not all) who are in hospital for any length of time learn the pleasure of getting sympathy from everyone and anyone - strange people surround them and try to compensate for their suffering.
Many traumatised children learn to get the attention they need by trapping people in the 'please see me as a victim'. There are many that see all looked after children in this role anyway. And Adopters are tired of people saying 'Oh aren't you wonderful' Are they seen as rescuers?? If they are rescuers then there must be some victims and persecutors.
But the triange of RESCUER - VICTM - PERSECUTOR goes wrong. If the child is the victim and there are two more roles to be shared out - persecutor or rescuer - the Aunt/friend/passerby does not want to be the persecutor so they take on the role of rescuer - and very quickly see the adopters as the persecutors. (poor little girl with such strict parents) This suits the child who wants these people's positive attention (because they are not important) and wants the parents negative attention (because they are important and that is scary and doesn't fit their 'internal working model'). Unwittingly the rescuers start to be critcal of the parents - 'you are too hard on him', or 'He didn't mean it' or they just give you a look of 'why don't you watch how I get on with him' They mean to be helpful (that is what rescuing is) but instead they become the perpetrator in a new dance with child in the middle playing with them like a cat plays with a mouse. And it seems that whatever the parents do - they are still the bad guys.
What can we do?
1. Recognise and understand the behaviour for what it is - survival in a world full of people the child does not trust. The child needs to be in control and this is a good way of doing it, because most caring people don't realise they are being controlled.
2. Recognise and understand the message the child is giving. This can depend on what stage of recovery they are. At first it is about getting attention that they can control. Later, it is a message to the parents that the child is afraid of the loving boundaries that are set at home. This is too close and scary. So they set out to prove to themselves that they can still control adults. Another later message is (when they realise that this hurts you): 'I don't know how to let you know that I am hurting but I can make you feel it'. Or 'I have been rejected and it hurts - so now I will not only reject you but get your family and friends to reject you too - then you will know how much it hurts.' They anticipate rejection and so try to make it happen and still convince themselves that they can be in control.
3. What is the effect on you? As always – if the child has a message through their behaviour, the answer will be in recognising the effect on you. The feelings you have will be the feelings the child is intending you to get – and that is the message. ‘This is how I feel. I can’t tell you but I can give you the feeling’. The negative effect will be 'secondary trauma' so please read blog below on 'secondary trauma'.
4. Avoid trying to stop the behaviour - you will fall into the pit hole the child has dug for you and get increased criticism from the rescuing adult. Instead, stay calm (Kate Cairns calls in 'non-anxious presence') and stay with the child. Do not let this behaviour move you away. When separate from the rescuing adult, congratulate the child - 'you did well there - she feels sorry for you now' Do not use sarcasm.
5. Keep using the cognitive part of your brain to tell you that these feelings are not yours – they belong to your child who is frightened of loving you.
6. Anticipate that it will happen and plan a response that is gentle, accepting, playful (if you can), curious and empathic. And a response that does not drive you away. I leave that response to you to work out. Practice and practice – your child will give you lots of opportunities to practice.
7. Talk about this with someone who understands. This behaviour can be devastating, and you don’t need to survive it on your own.
8. If you visit a friend with a traumatised child notice when the child tries to charm you – it is very powerful. Work out a gentle response that is supportive to your friend as well as not rejecting the child.
WOW this behaviour is so powerful and often causes the splitting which is then adults playing out the fragmentation of the child’s trauma.
Keep well
Joy
Sunday, 22 May 2011
next post
The next post will be about the 'please feel sorry for me' trap
Let me have your stories.
Thanks
Let me have your stories.
Thanks
Fund raising
Hi Everyone,
We are going to start raising funds for families unable to get funding from other sources. We are spending so much time fighting for funds - and it would be more fun spent doing fundraising events.
We hope to set up a charity alongside Catchpoint so that parents who pay for themselves can make this payment as a donation so that we can claim the tax back - it all helps.
Fund raising is about who you know as well as what you know.
If anyone works for a company that does 'corporate giving' to charities, and might be interested in championing a charity:
We are going to start raising funds for families unable to get funding from other sources. We are spending so much time fighting for funds - and it would be more fun spent doing fundraising events.
We hope to set up a charity alongside Catchpoint so that parents who pay for themselves can make this payment as a donation so that we can claim the tax back - it all helps.
Fund raising is about who you know as well as what you know.
If anyone works for a company that does 'corporate giving' to charities, and might be interested in championing a charity:
'helping adoptive families love and care for traumatised children'
Please let us know.
Please look out for fundraising events that you may be able to help with or may like to take part in.
We would also like to raise money to convert the garage into a sensory integration space and for staff training so that all services are informed by the latest research.
If you are interested please contact Ann ann@catchpoint.org We hope to have an identified fundraiser soon. Watch this space for events and ways you can help us.
Joy
Saturday, 16 April 2011
Looking after ourselves
Hi
I have given out our handout on secondary trauma to a few parents so I thought it might a helpful to others is I summerise it here.
Living with Trauma
Living with a child with the pervasive negative sense of self of a trauma victim can cause secondary trauma in the parents and wider family/friends network. People who are most vulnerable to secondary trauma are those who are most attuned to the traumatised child, and who may have experienced trauma in their own lives - our greatest strength also makes us the most vulnerable.
Symptoms of Secondary Trauma
If you are affected by secondary trauma these are some of the symptoms: distressing emotions; changes in sleep and eating patterns; jumpiness; hypervigilance; avoiding the emotional space of the child; missed appointments; decreased use of support networks; diminished self-orgnanisation; increased feelings of isolation; alienation and lack of appreciation.
How does this happen?
All infants need to irritate their parents until their needs are met (crying). This raises the parents' anxiety levels who then take steps to satisfy the child's need and in doing so regulate their own anxiety. It is when the parents regulate their own anxiety that the child becomes calm and learns regulation for themselves. (attachment theory)
A child whose needs were not met to the point of trauma (not being fed is traumatic) do not lose their irritant instinct and become driven to cause anxiety in the adults around them. Their needs are overwhelming and they need to communicate this. When the child experiences fear (being loved causes fear of rejection) their defense system in triggered and they resort to behaviour that protected them as infants. This causes extreme anxiety in the parents because they are unable to satisfy the child or resolve the child's anxiety. This unresolvable anxiety is the cause of secondary trauma.
Recovery
All traumatised people - adults or children - need to feel safe to begin to recover
All traumatised people need good social networks
All traumatised people need the space and opportunity to express what is happening to them
Secondary trauma needs the same safety, networks and opportunities to talk.
A 6 point plan
1. Recognition: this is the first and most important step in recovery
2. Alleviating physical symptoms - headaches, muscle pains, tiredness
3. A supportive social network - people to talk to who smile at you and value you - not necessarily to seek help for your child.
4. Small changes of routine to relieve stress - to give yourself space for self-care
5. Non-verbal physiological care - relaxation through yoga, massage, pilates; jogging, swimming; walking the dog etc.
6. Someone to listen to you - not the same as your social network, and not someone who is going to tell you their problems in return. (a counsellor or support worker)
There is no blame for secondary trauma - but it can be managed and recovered from. That includes us at Catchpoint - we know we need to look after ourselves too.
Joy
I have given out our handout on secondary trauma to a few parents so I thought it might a helpful to others is I summerise it here.
Living with Trauma
Living with a child with the pervasive negative sense of self of a trauma victim can cause secondary trauma in the parents and wider family/friends network. People who are most vulnerable to secondary trauma are those who are most attuned to the traumatised child, and who may have experienced trauma in their own lives - our greatest strength also makes us the most vulnerable.
Symptoms of Secondary Trauma
If you are affected by secondary trauma these are some of the symptoms: distressing emotions; changes in sleep and eating patterns; jumpiness; hypervigilance; avoiding the emotional space of the child; missed appointments; decreased use of support networks; diminished self-orgnanisation; increased feelings of isolation; alienation and lack of appreciation.
How does this happen?
All infants need to irritate their parents until their needs are met (crying). This raises the parents' anxiety levels who then take steps to satisfy the child's need and in doing so regulate their own anxiety. It is when the parents regulate their own anxiety that the child becomes calm and learns regulation for themselves. (attachment theory)
A child whose needs were not met to the point of trauma (not being fed is traumatic) do not lose their irritant instinct and become driven to cause anxiety in the adults around them. Their needs are overwhelming and they need to communicate this. When the child experiences fear (being loved causes fear of rejection) their defense system in triggered and they resort to behaviour that protected them as infants. This causes extreme anxiety in the parents because they are unable to satisfy the child or resolve the child's anxiety. This unresolvable anxiety is the cause of secondary trauma.
Recovery
All traumatised people - adults or children - need to feel safe to begin to recover
All traumatised people need good social networks
All traumatised people need the space and opportunity to express what is happening to them
Secondary trauma needs the same safety, networks and opportunities to talk.
A 6 point plan
1. Recognition: this is the first and most important step in recovery
2. Alleviating physical symptoms - headaches, muscle pains, tiredness
3. A supportive social network - people to talk to who smile at you and value you - not necessarily to seek help for your child.
4. Small changes of routine to relieve stress - to give yourself space for self-care
5. Non-verbal physiological care - relaxation through yoga, massage, pilates; jogging, swimming; walking the dog etc.
6. Someone to listen to you - not the same as your social network, and not someone who is going to tell you their problems in return. (a counsellor or support worker)
There is no blame for secondary trauma - but it can be managed and recovered from. That includes us at Catchpoint - we know we need to look after ourselves too.
Joy
Monday, 7 March 2011
Consequences
The subject of consequences causes disagreement in the world of psychology/therapy of traumatised children. Some professionals insists that it is important and others say that it is not effective. Here are some of my thoughts. Let me know what works for you.
Remember that most traumatised children:
a. have little sense of cause and effect
b. use negative behaviour to protect themselves from unsafe feelings such as fear or even love
c. are unable to take responsibility for what they have done
The aim of consequences is to help the child feel some remorse or empathy about the hurt caused, respect boundaries and not repeat the behaviour. The intention is to keep the child and others safe, and to learn new postive behaviours. My feeling is that if we concentrate on the consequence we may miss the message that the behaviour was intended to give us. The child may take the consequence, but is unlikely to link it to the behaviour - and instead will assume that he or she is 'bad'. This could have the opposite effect to what is hoped for. But the shout is 'We can't let them think they can get away with that behaviour'.
So what do we do?
We are trying to develop 'trust' - for the child to believe that he or she can trust that she is worth being cared. Every strategy for managing behaviour needs to have this as the ultimate goal.
It is important that children are kept safe, and it is abusive for a child to be able to hurt others - this is damaging to the self. Keeping safe is not the same as a deterant consequence.
There are 3 groups of consequences:
1. natural consequences of what we do - if we are horrible to someone - that person will not want to be with us; if we waste time over breakfast - we will be late for school; if we don't read the instructions - we will make a mistake; if a child refuses to put on a seat belt in a car a natural consequence could be that they can't go on the trip - that is about safety. etc. etc.
2. Imposed and controlled consequences that have no connection to the behaviour but are more about satisfying a need to 'not let the child get away with what they have done'. The boundary between this and punishment is small.
3. Repair consequences. If we hurt someone - and have learned empathy for this - the consequence is that we do something to put it right. If we break something we can mend it or replace it or at least apologise. If we hurt someone's feelings, we can be expected to do something to make them feel better.
I like the first group of consequences where it is safe, because when the child does not like the consequence it can be made clear that this is 'your choice' - 'I am sorry you don't like the choice you made'.
I believe that the second group satisfy the parent or teacher and may help to make a point to other children about what happens if anyone behaves like this. If a child is sent to their room, or sent out of the class, this could give the child and adult time to calm so that the incident can be thought through. Other consequences in this group are usually a waste of time and just generate higher anxiety because they don't work. Also consequences of depriving children of something for more than minutes can add up until the parent has nothing left to remove - feels powerless and angry - and the child is satisfied that they have brought chaos into the home (what they feel familiar with).
The third group is what we are working towards. Traumatised children can't take responsibiltiy for what they have done because they dissociate from their feelings of shame, so they can't repair. This was probably never modelled to them. Dysfunctional parents always blame the child - and do not repair the attachment relationship - no reattunement.
I suggest: If something has gone wrong - focus on repair - and use it as a joint action. 'How can WE make this better?' When a child is able to repair - their sense of self lifts and they begin to be able to take responsibilty. If you can't repair something (any of us) anxiety about consequences increases. If you can then anxiety decreases. Repair must be done postively and acknowledging the child's bravery when they succeed.
I suggest: When things are calm - think about what the child is achieving through any behaviour; what feeling it gives you - these are the child's feelings, not yours; what are they trying to to tell you - usually something to do with fear of rejection; address this message and you may not need consequences.
What works for you??
Joy
Remember that most traumatised children:
a. have little sense of cause and effect
b. use negative behaviour to protect themselves from unsafe feelings such as fear or even love
c. are unable to take responsibility for what they have done
The aim of consequences is to help the child feel some remorse or empathy about the hurt caused, respect boundaries and not repeat the behaviour. The intention is to keep the child and others safe, and to learn new postive behaviours. My feeling is that if we concentrate on the consequence we may miss the message that the behaviour was intended to give us. The child may take the consequence, but is unlikely to link it to the behaviour - and instead will assume that he or she is 'bad'. This could have the opposite effect to what is hoped for. But the shout is 'We can't let them think they can get away with that behaviour'.
So what do we do?
We are trying to develop 'trust' - for the child to believe that he or she can trust that she is worth being cared. Every strategy for managing behaviour needs to have this as the ultimate goal.
It is important that children are kept safe, and it is abusive for a child to be able to hurt others - this is damaging to the self. Keeping safe is not the same as a deterant consequence.
There are 3 groups of consequences:
1. natural consequences of what we do - if we are horrible to someone - that person will not want to be with us; if we waste time over breakfast - we will be late for school; if we don't read the instructions - we will make a mistake; if a child refuses to put on a seat belt in a car a natural consequence could be that they can't go on the trip - that is about safety. etc. etc.
2. Imposed and controlled consequences that have no connection to the behaviour but are more about satisfying a need to 'not let the child get away with what they have done'. The boundary between this and punishment is small.
3. Repair consequences. If we hurt someone - and have learned empathy for this - the consequence is that we do something to put it right. If we break something we can mend it or replace it or at least apologise. If we hurt someone's feelings, we can be expected to do something to make them feel better.
I like the first group of consequences where it is safe, because when the child does not like the consequence it can be made clear that this is 'your choice' - 'I am sorry you don't like the choice you made'.
I believe that the second group satisfy the parent or teacher and may help to make a point to other children about what happens if anyone behaves like this. If a child is sent to their room, or sent out of the class, this could give the child and adult time to calm so that the incident can be thought through. Other consequences in this group are usually a waste of time and just generate higher anxiety because they don't work. Also consequences of depriving children of something for more than minutes can add up until the parent has nothing left to remove - feels powerless and angry - and the child is satisfied that they have brought chaos into the home (what they feel familiar with).
The third group is what we are working towards. Traumatised children can't take responsibiltiy for what they have done because they dissociate from their feelings of shame, so they can't repair. This was probably never modelled to them. Dysfunctional parents always blame the child - and do not repair the attachment relationship - no reattunement.
I suggest: If something has gone wrong - focus on repair - and use it as a joint action. 'How can WE make this better?' When a child is able to repair - their sense of self lifts and they begin to be able to take responsibilty. If you can't repair something (any of us) anxiety about consequences increases. If you can then anxiety decreases. Repair must be done postively and acknowledging the child's bravery when they succeed.
I suggest: When things are calm - think about what the child is achieving through any behaviour; what feeling it gives you - these are the child's feelings, not yours; what are they trying to to tell you - usually something to do with fear of rejection; address this message and you may not need consequences.
What works for you??
Joy
Sunday, 6 March 2011
Comments
I am sorry. Several people have tried to leave comments and told us that it doesn't work. I had set some conditions to keep spam out, but have now set it as open to all members so hopefully that will make it work.
Please send us your comments either on this blog or to us privately at joyhasler@catchpoint.org
Joy
Please send us your comments either on this blog or to us privately at joyhasler@catchpoint.org
Joy
Monday, 7 February 2011
Transition
Hi
I have been talking to some parents about the difficulty their children have at times of transition.
What is happening for our young people to have these difficulties?
Transition can be a short time between two activities, or a regular time such as going to school, or a longer time such as moving to a new school.
All of us have rasied anxiety at times of transition, but mostly we don't notice this.
I heard a researcher talking about how our brain copes with change from one state to another. When a baby is born they have very few main states of being from sleep to drowsy, to awake to playful to distress. By the time a child is 3 he has a complex system of states of being. And they need a map to get from one state to another. This is usually downloaded by the mother and is called regulation. The mother can help a child move from an excited state, or a distressed state to a calm state by her presence, or from a sleepy state to a playful state by interaction.
Traumatised children did not get this download. They have to make up their own maps to get from one state to another, and sometimes their route is complicated. Heathy children learn to move happily from state A (lets say sitting in class) to state B (lets say running round the playground). Having got that route in their mind, they don't find it too hard to get back to A again at the end of playtime.
But a child who has experienced neglect, inconsistency, abuse and violence will have emotional blocks which prevents connections in the brain. In other words he will have one way roads in his map. This means that he may be able to get from A (calm) to B (excited) without to much difficulty, but may not be able to get back again. Or he needs a side road (a diversion) to cope with increased fear or anxiety- state C or D. Diversions are to keep him safe: to be watchful as he goes out; to be anxious about who he will stay near; to know how to appear 'happy' etc. When the child settles enough to play in the playground it is time to come in, and the way back to a calm state is blocked. The child needs a different route back. He is not able to regulate his raised energy, so comes into school in a hyperaroused state. Guess what? he gets into trouble for being disruptive or ends up hurting someone.
If the child's need for an intermediary state (a diversion) to prepare him for transition is understood then he can be helped calmly to prepare for that change. If someone can take him aside and talk through what is happening next, the child's anxiety will reduce and he will be ready to move on. This is like going into a layby to look at the map before moving on. Being in the presense of a calm and listening adult reduces the child's anxiety. The child is able to regulate his state of arousal in order to reenter the classroom.
The child's experience of sudden changes, unexplained moves and witnessing domestic violence leads him to have raised anxiety about any transition. Transition is about loss, separation, fear that he will not be able to get back to where he is now, or that something will happen while he is away (this may have been their experience). Transition is about being asked to do a new task that hasn't been explained - something I will fail at, a time to distract and protect myself. The traumatised child is constantly ready for any such threats by being ready to fight, flight or freeze. Becoming calm can be very difficult. Dumping his feelings on his parents - making them annoyed - is much easier.
So what can we do?
Recognise the transition times. Even very simple short transition times. We as adults may think that it is obvious what is happening next, but a traumatised child may not have that ability to anticipate. Understanding which times are difficult helps parents be prepared.
1. Listen and watch to understand their behaviours (insults to you are a statement that this is hard)
2. Feed back to the child that this is a muddling/confusing time (avoid any negative concepts)
3. Talk to the child about what is going to happen next (keep it to the short term - do not talk about what is going to happen in an hour). You may need to plan extra time for this.
4. Effectively take them into a layby to look at the map.
5. Congratulate bravery and concentrate on the positive. If, at the end of the week they managed one morning out of 5 getting to school stressfree, congratulate them for the one enjoyable morning, rather than moaning about the 4 difficult mornings. Or if they have come home calmly once in a fortnight, praise them for the one enjoyable homecoming. (Say how you feel - I really enjoyed coming home on Tuesday - avoid telling your child that they have been 'good').
Take care of yourself - reward yourself whenever you have had a difficult transition and congratulate yourself on an easy transition.
I know that this is difficult when you have more than one child. I can hear that this is unrealistic, but with help your child can learn to trust that transitions are safe, but without help their anxiety increases and so do the parents' difficulties. Many parents are caught in the trap of needing to get things done by a certain time, which raises their own anxieties and even more, the anxieties of the children. The only purpose children have in upsetting your day is to protect themselves from fear and threat (always present).
Give youself some time to think how you can organise transition times to enable some 'layby moments'. Let me know how you get on.
Good luck.
Joy
I have been talking to some parents about the difficulty their children have at times of transition.
What is happening for our young people to have these difficulties?
Transition can be a short time between two activities, or a regular time such as going to school, or a longer time such as moving to a new school.
All of us have rasied anxiety at times of transition, but mostly we don't notice this.
I heard a researcher talking about how our brain copes with change from one state to another. When a baby is born they have very few main states of being from sleep to drowsy, to awake to playful to distress. By the time a child is 3 he has a complex system of states of being. And they need a map to get from one state to another. This is usually downloaded by the mother and is called regulation. The mother can help a child move from an excited state, or a distressed state to a calm state by her presence, or from a sleepy state to a playful state by interaction.
Traumatised children did not get this download. They have to make up their own maps to get from one state to another, and sometimes their route is complicated. Heathy children learn to move happily from state A (lets say sitting in class) to state B (lets say running round the playground). Having got that route in their mind, they don't find it too hard to get back to A again at the end of playtime.
But a child who has experienced neglect, inconsistency, abuse and violence will have emotional blocks which prevents connections in the brain. In other words he will have one way roads in his map. This means that he may be able to get from A (calm) to B (excited) without to much difficulty, but may not be able to get back again. Or he needs a side road (a diversion) to cope with increased fear or anxiety- state C or D. Diversions are to keep him safe: to be watchful as he goes out; to be anxious about who he will stay near; to know how to appear 'happy' etc. When the child settles enough to play in the playground it is time to come in, and the way back to a calm state is blocked. The child needs a different route back. He is not able to regulate his raised energy, so comes into school in a hyperaroused state. Guess what? he gets into trouble for being disruptive or ends up hurting someone.
If the child's need for an intermediary state (a diversion) to prepare him for transition is understood then he can be helped calmly to prepare for that change. If someone can take him aside and talk through what is happening next, the child's anxiety will reduce and he will be ready to move on. This is like going into a layby to look at the map before moving on. Being in the presense of a calm and listening adult reduces the child's anxiety. The child is able to regulate his state of arousal in order to reenter the classroom.
The child's experience of sudden changes, unexplained moves and witnessing domestic violence leads him to have raised anxiety about any transition. Transition is about loss, separation, fear that he will not be able to get back to where he is now, or that something will happen while he is away (this may have been their experience). Transition is about being asked to do a new task that hasn't been explained - something I will fail at, a time to distract and protect myself. The traumatised child is constantly ready for any such threats by being ready to fight, flight or freeze. Becoming calm can be very difficult. Dumping his feelings on his parents - making them annoyed - is much easier.
So what can we do?
Recognise the transition times. Even very simple short transition times. We as adults may think that it is obvious what is happening next, but a traumatised child may not have that ability to anticipate. Understanding which times are difficult helps parents be prepared.
1. Listen and watch to understand their behaviours (insults to you are a statement that this is hard)
2. Feed back to the child that this is a muddling/confusing time (avoid any negative concepts)
3. Talk to the child about what is going to happen next (keep it to the short term - do not talk about what is going to happen in an hour). You may need to plan extra time for this.
4. Effectively take them into a layby to look at the map.
5. Congratulate bravery and concentrate on the positive. If, at the end of the week they managed one morning out of 5 getting to school stressfree, congratulate them for the one enjoyable morning, rather than moaning about the 4 difficult mornings. Or if they have come home calmly once in a fortnight, praise them for the one enjoyable homecoming. (Say how you feel - I really enjoyed coming home on Tuesday - avoid telling your child that they have been 'good').
Take care of yourself - reward yourself whenever you have had a difficult transition and congratulate yourself on an easy transition.
I know that this is difficult when you have more than one child. I can hear that this is unrealistic, but with help your child can learn to trust that transitions are safe, but without help their anxiety increases and so do the parents' difficulties. Many parents are caught in the trap of needing to get things done by a certain time, which raises their own anxieties and even more, the anxieties of the children. The only purpose children have in upsetting your day is to protect themselves from fear and threat (always present).
Give youself some time to think how you can organise transition times to enable some 'layby moments'. Let me know how you get on.
Good luck.
Joy
Thursday, 3 February 2011
Comments
Hi
Thanks to the people who have commented on the posts, even though they have not chosen to publish them. I am not sure yet how 'comments' work so I need someone to try it out. Do you have to say who you are or can you comment anonymously?
Some people are having a tough time at the moment. Do ring in the day and most times there is someone to chat to. Remember to look after yourself. This is not selfish. It is essential.
Here's a rainbow I saw the other day through the wires alongside the road.
Joy
Thanks to the people who have commented on the posts, even though they have not chosen to publish them. I am not sure yet how 'comments' work so I need someone to try it out. Do you have to say who you are or can you comment anonymously?
Some people are having a tough time at the moment. Do ring in the day and most times there is someone to chat to. Remember to look after yourself. This is not selfish. It is essential.
Here's a rainbow I saw the other day through the wires alongside the road.
Joy
Saturday, 8 January 2011
Stealing
How do we deal with stealing?
Stealing demonstrates, and creates a lack of trust on both sides: Parents - I can't trust you any where; Young person: I don't trust that anyone cares about me. Both parent and young person invest an enormous amount of energy in trying to either stop stealing or in finding new ways to steal that fullfil the required elements.
What are these elements?
But first: stealing is stealing and cannot be condoned. Anything written here is not about making excuses. It is about understanding the behaviour so that we can find alternative ways of changing or managing it.
Element 1. When a traumatised young person feels sad/shamed/rejected/scared, the result is far more exaggerated than for other young people. In some cases this is toxic and the brain goes into protective mode. Stealing something is an achievement that gives the YP a buzz which obliterates the traumatic feeling of worthlessness.
Element 2. After the acquisition the young person then has the booty (usually something that has sugar, has a personal value to someone else or sparkles, or is money with which to buy sugar,sparkle or value object) This gives the second buzz. This is a pattern that may have been set very early when a child learned how to 'steal' to satisfiy a basic need. Most traumatised children believe that they need to be in control of their own wants and needs. Stealing confirms to them that they have this skill and are therefore safe. (this is about survival)
Element 3. The next need is for attention - negative attention which confirms the YP's 'internal working model' that he or she is not worth being cared for. Negative attention is familiar and safe - affection is weak and a forerunner of rejection. So YP leaves evidence of the booty to be found so that the parent police can find it and deliver the needed negative attention. Another buzz. The original shame is gone. The result is similar to a drug and therefore very hard to change. As you can see, punishments are not likely to work as they raise the YP's negative feelings about themselves, and increase the fear of rejection.
So what can we do about it?
Can you find out where the sad feelings originate so that you can respond empathically to them? Likely situations are: peer friendship difficulties (potential rejection) waiting for contact letters from birth family that have not come (rejection) Being teased or bullied (rejection) a particular time of year (aniversary of rejection) having let self or parents down even though this may not be apparent (fear of rejection) high expectations in exams(fear of failure and then rejection) a project at school all about me (fear of exposure and then rejection) a visit or telephone call from a stranger/social worker/therapist which is a familiar pattern before being moved (fear of potential rejection)
Stealing is a powerful drug to protect against a powerful fear - of being rejected or abandoned, which means the YP doesn't feel safe. No amount of punishment or reassurance will cure this. If you can find a pattern, well done, because there may be any or all or more of the reasons given above.
Action: 1. Keep things safe and out of the way of temptation.
2. state clearly acceptable behaviour. Tell young people what you want them to do - NOT what you don't want them to do. So please don't say 'Don't steal'. Make a short statement in a style that suits you about respect for personal belongings/space/feelings. This may need to be in writing as many YPs do not process what is said to them when anxious.
3. Think what this behaviour is doing to you. Are you feeling devastated that you can't trust your YP and feeling powerless to do anything (you've probably tried lots of things). Secondary trauma trap - how can you avoid the negative questioning, shouting, threats, stuck feeling? How can you feel better in yourself, that you are an OK person/partner/parent with good friends and other interests? You can't win a battle unless you are fit.
4. Have previously agreed consequences (short, and best if they involve action rather than exclusion) so that you can dish them out without giving the negative attention expected. The YP will be deprived of the buzz from the negative attention and may begin to regret what they have done (no they won't say this). The consequence needs to reinforce the statement of respect (1).
5. Be curious with the YP as to what may be upsetting him or her. Guess a few things from your thoughts (above) and say that he/she is letting you know that something is difficult. Even if you guess wrong, the YP will hear understanding and that you are prepared to listen.
You may also be able to anticipate the next bout of stealing because you can see the pattern. This helps prevent stealing.
6. Expect things to get worse. If you change your response to any behaivour, expect the behaviour to INCREASE at first. If the behaviour has been successful at protecting the YP from toxic feelings, then, like a life jacket, he or she is not likely to stop just like that. They will need to slowly develop trust that 'understanding' is here to stay and that their voice will be heard (acceptance) even when they lie (a possible subject for another post).
We, at Catchpoint, continue to struggle with 'stealing' as an issue for some young people, so let us know if you find something that works for you.
Hope you are well.
Joy
Note: Some adopted young people believe that they were 'stolen' so why are you making such a fuss about £5.00. This is a different issue to the ones discussed above and requires careful unravelling.
Stealing demonstrates, and creates a lack of trust on both sides: Parents - I can't trust you any where; Young person: I don't trust that anyone cares about me. Both parent and young person invest an enormous amount of energy in trying to either stop stealing or in finding new ways to steal that fullfil the required elements.
What are these elements?
But first: stealing is stealing and cannot be condoned. Anything written here is not about making excuses. It is about understanding the behaviour so that we can find alternative ways of changing or managing it.
Element 1. When a traumatised young person feels sad/shamed/rejected/scared, the result is far more exaggerated than for other young people. In some cases this is toxic and the brain goes into protective mode. Stealing something is an achievement that gives the YP a buzz which obliterates the traumatic feeling of worthlessness.
Element 2. After the acquisition the young person then has the booty (usually something that has sugar, has a personal value to someone else or sparkles, or is money with which to buy sugar,sparkle or value object) This gives the second buzz. This is a pattern that may have been set very early when a child learned how to 'steal' to satisfiy a basic need. Most traumatised children believe that they need to be in control of their own wants and needs. Stealing confirms to them that they have this skill and are therefore safe. (this is about survival)
Element 3. The next need is for attention - negative attention which confirms the YP's 'internal working model' that he or she is not worth being cared for. Negative attention is familiar and safe - affection is weak and a forerunner of rejection. So YP leaves evidence of the booty to be found so that the parent police can find it and deliver the needed negative attention. Another buzz. The original shame is gone. The result is similar to a drug and therefore very hard to change. As you can see, punishments are not likely to work as they raise the YP's negative feelings about themselves, and increase the fear of rejection.
So what can we do about it?
Can you find out where the sad feelings originate so that you can respond empathically to them? Likely situations are: peer friendship difficulties (potential rejection) waiting for contact letters from birth family that have not come (rejection) Being teased or bullied (rejection) a particular time of year (aniversary of rejection) having let self or parents down even though this may not be apparent (fear of rejection) high expectations in exams(fear of failure and then rejection) a project at school all about me (fear of exposure and then rejection) a visit or telephone call from a stranger/social worker/therapist which is a familiar pattern before being moved (fear of potential rejection)
Stealing is a powerful drug to protect against a powerful fear - of being rejected or abandoned, which means the YP doesn't feel safe. No amount of punishment or reassurance will cure this. If you can find a pattern, well done, because there may be any or all or more of the reasons given above.
Action: 1. Keep things safe and out of the way of temptation.
2. state clearly acceptable behaviour. Tell young people what you want them to do - NOT what you don't want them to do. So please don't say 'Don't steal'. Make a short statement in a style that suits you about respect for personal belongings/space/feelings. This may need to be in writing as many YPs do not process what is said to them when anxious.
3. Think what this behaviour is doing to you. Are you feeling devastated that you can't trust your YP and feeling powerless to do anything (you've probably tried lots of things). Secondary trauma trap - how can you avoid the negative questioning, shouting, threats, stuck feeling? How can you feel better in yourself, that you are an OK person/partner/parent with good friends and other interests? You can't win a battle unless you are fit.
4. Have previously agreed consequences (short, and best if they involve action rather than exclusion) so that you can dish them out without giving the negative attention expected. The YP will be deprived of the buzz from the negative attention and may begin to regret what they have done (no they won't say this). The consequence needs to reinforce the statement of respect (1).
5. Be curious with the YP as to what may be upsetting him or her. Guess a few things from your thoughts (above) and say that he/she is letting you know that something is difficult. Even if you guess wrong, the YP will hear understanding and that you are prepared to listen.
You may also be able to anticipate the next bout of stealing because you can see the pattern. This helps prevent stealing.
6. Expect things to get worse. If you change your response to any behaivour, expect the behaviour to INCREASE at first. If the behaviour has been successful at protecting the YP from toxic feelings, then, like a life jacket, he or she is not likely to stop just like that. They will need to slowly develop trust that 'understanding' is here to stay and that their voice will be heard (acceptance) even when they lie (a possible subject for another post).
We, at Catchpoint, continue to struggle with 'stealing' as an issue for some young people, so let us know if you find something that works for you.
Hope you are well.
Joy
Note: Some adopted young people believe that they were 'stolen' so why are you making such a fuss about £5.00. This is a different issue to the ones discussed above and requires careful unravelling.
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