Stealing

How do we deal with stealing?

Stealing demonstrates, and creates a lack of trust on both sides:   Parents - I can't trust you any where;  Young person:  I don't trust that anyone cares about me.  Both parent and young person invest an enormous amount of energy in trying to either stop stealing or in finding new ways to steal that fullfil the required elements.
What are these elements?
But first: stealing is stealing and cannot be condoned.   Anything written here is not about making excuses.  It is about understanding the behaviour so that we can find alternative ways of changing or managing it.

Element 1.   When a traumatised young person feels sad/shamed/rejected/scared, the result is far more exaggerated than for other young people.   In some cases this is toxic and the brain goes into protective mode.   Stealing something is an achievement that gives the YP a buzz which obliterates the traumatic feeling of worthlessness.
Element 2.   After the acquisition the young person then has the booty (usually something that has sugar, has a personal value to someone else or sparkles, or is money with which to buy sugar,sparkle or value object)  This gives the second buzz.   This is a pattern that may have been set very early when a child learned how to 'steal' to satisfiy a basic need.  Most traumatised children believe that they need to be in control of their own wants and needs.   Stealing confirms to them that they have this skill and are therefore safe. (this is about survival)
Element 3.   The next need is for attention - negative attention which confirms the YP's 'internal working model' that he or she is not worth being cared for.  Negative attention is familiar and safe - affection is weak and a forerunner of rejection.   So YP leaves evidence of the booty to be found so that the parent police can find it and deliver the needed negative attention.  Another buzz.  The original shame is gone.  The result is similar to a drug and therefore very hard to change.  As you can see, punishments are not likely to work as they raise the YP's negative feelings about themselves, and increase the fear of rejection. 

So what can we do about it?
Can you find out where the sad feelings originate so that you can respond empathically to them?  Likely situations are:   peer friendship difficulties (potential rejection)  waiting for contact letters from birth family that have not come (rejection)  Being teased or bullied (rejection)  a particular time of year (aniversary of rejection)  having let self or parents down even though this may not be apparent (fear of rejection)  high expectations in exams(fear of failure and then rejection)   a project at school all about me (fear of exposure and then rejection) a visit or telephone call from a stranger/social worker/therapist which is a familiar pattern before being moved (fear of potential rejection)  
Stealing is a powerful drug to protect against a powerful fear - of being rejected or abandoned, which means the YP doesn't feel safe.  No amount of punishment or reassurance will cure this.   If you can find a pattern, well done, because there may be any or all or more of the reasons given above. 

Action:   1. Keep things safe and out of the way of temptation.  
2.   state clearly acceptable behaviour.  Tell young people what you want them to do - NOT what you don't want them to do.   So please don't say 'Don't steal'.   Make a short statement in a style that suits you about respect for personal belongings/space/feelings.  This may need to be in writing as many YPs do not process what is said to them when anxious. 
3.  Think what this behaviour is doing to you.   Are you feeling devastated that you can't trust your YP and feeling powerless to do anything (you've probably tried lots of things).  Secondary trauma trap - how can you avoid the negative questioning, shouting, threats, stuck feeling?  How can you feel better in yourself, that you are an OK person/partner/parent with good friends and other interests?  You can't win a battle unless you are fit.  
4.  Have previously agreed consequences (short, and best if they involve action rather than exclusion)  so that you can dish them out without giving the negative attention expected.  The YP will be deprived of the buzz from the negative attention and may begin to regret what they have done (no they won't say this).  The consequence needs to reinforce the statement of respect (1). 
5.  Be curious with the YP as to what may be upsetting him or her.   Guess a few things from your thoughts (above) and say that he/she is letting you know that something is difficult.  Even if you guess wrong, the YP will hear understanding and that you are prepared to listen.  
You may also be able to anticipate the next bout of stealing because you can see the pattern.  This helps prevent stealing. 
6.  Expect things to get worse.  If you change your response to any behaivour, expect the behaviour to INCREASE at first.  If the behaviour has been successful at protecting the YP from toxic feelings, then, like a life jacket, he or she is not likely to stop just like that.   They will need to slowly develop trust that 'understanding' is here to stay and that their voice will be heard (acceptance) even when they lie (a possible subject for another post). 

We, at Catchpoint, continue to struggle with 'stealing' as an issue for some young people, so let us know if you find something that works for you. 
 Hope you are well.
Joy
 
Note:   Some adopted young people believe that they were 'stolen' so why are you making such a fuss about £5.00.  This is a different issue to the ones discussed above and requires careful unravelling.