Transition

Hi

I have been talking to some parents about the difficulty their children have at times of transition.
What is happening for our young people to have these difficulties?

Transition can be a short time between two activities, or a regular time such as going to school, or a longer time such as moving to a new school.
All of us have rasied anxiety at times of transition, but mostly we don't notice this.

I heard a researcher talking about how our brain copes with change from one state to another.    When a baby is born they have very few main states of being from sleep to drowsy, to awake to playful to distress.   By the time a child is 3 he has a complex system of states of being.   And they need a map to get from one state to another.   This is usually downloaded by the mother and is called regulation.  The mother can help a child move from an excited state, or a distressed state to a calm state by her presence,  or from a sleepy state to a playful state by interaction.

Traumatised children did not get this download.  They have to make up their own maps to get from one state to another, and sometimes their route is complicated.   Heathy children learn to move happily from state A (lets say sitting in class) to state B (lets say running round the playground).   Having got that route in their mind, they don't find it too hard to get back to A again at the end of playtime.  

But a child who has experienced neglect, inconsistency, abuse and violence will have emotional blocks which prevents connections in the brain.   In other words he will have one way roads in his map.  This means that he may be able to get from A (calm) to B (excited) without to much difficulty, but may not be able to get back again.   Or he needs a side road (a diversion) to cope with increased fear or anxiety- state C or D.   Diversions are to keep him safe:   to be watchful as he goes out;  to be anxious about who he will stay near;  to know how to appear 'happy' etc.   When the child  settles enough to play in the playground it is time to come in, and the way back to a calm state is blocked.  The child needs a different route back. He is not able to regulate his raised energy, so comes into school in a hyperaroused state.   Guess what?  he gets into trouble for being disruptive or ends up hurting someone. 

If the child's need for an intermediary state (a diversion) to prepare him for transition is understood then he can be helped calmly to prepare for that change.  If someone can take him aside and talk through what is happening next, the child's anxiety will reduce and he will be ready to move on.  This is like going into a layby to look at the map before moving on.  Being in the presense of a calm and listening adult reduces the child's anxiety.  The child is able to regulate his state of arousal in order to reenter the classroom. 

The child's experience of sudden changes, unexplained moves and witnessing domestic violence leads him to have raised anxiety about any transition.   Transition is about loss, separation, fear that he will not be able to get back to where he is now,  or that something will happen while he is away (this may have been their experience).  Transition is about being asked to do a new task that hasn't been explained - something I will fail at, a time to distract and protect myself.   The traumatised child is constantly ready for any such threats by being ready to fight, flight or freeze.   Becoming calm can be very difficult.  Dumping his feelings on his parents - making them annoyed - is much easier. 

So what can we do?
Recognise the transition times.   Even very simple short transition times.   We as adults may think that it is obvious what is happening next, but a traumatised child may not have that ability to anticipate.   Understanding which times are difficult helps parents be prepared.
1.  Listen and watch to understand their behaviours   (insults to you are a statement that this is hard)
2. Feed back to the child that this is a muddling/confusing time (avoid any negative concepts)
3. Talk to the child about what is going to happen next (keep it to the short term - do not talk about what is going to happen in an hour).   You may need to plan extra time for this.
4.  Effectively take them into a layby to look at the map. 
5.  Congratulate bravery and concentrate on the positive.   If, at the end of the week they managed one morning out of 5 getting to school stressfree, congratulate them for the one enjoyable morning, rather than moaning about the 4 difficult mornings. Or if they have come home calmly once in a fortnight, praise them for the one enjoyable homecoming.  (Say how you feel - I really enjoyed coming home on Tuesday - avoid telling your child that they have been 'good').

Take care of yourself - reward yourself whenever you have had a difficult transition and congratulate yourself on an easy transition.   

I know that this is difficult when you have more than one child.   I can hear that this is unrealistic, but with help your child can learn to trust that transitions are safe, but without help their anxiety increases and so do the parents' difficulties.  Many parents are caught in the trap of needing to get things done by a certain time, which raises their own anxieties and even more, the anxieties of the children.  The only purpose children have in upsetting your day is to protect themselves from fear and threat (always present). 

Give youself some time to think how you can organise transition times to enable some 'layby moments'.     Let me know how you get on.  
Good luck.

Joy