What is going on here? What does the child gain from this behaviour?
Important: the child is not calculating or manipulative in the way an adult would be who used this behaviour. For the traumatised child it is learned behaviour that has protected the child from a very early age.
The child has developed a lack of trust in all people. Adults do not give you what you need, and they do not respond to messages of discomfort. So more drastic action is required. Normal attachment behaviour is designed to make the primary attachment figure (parents) uncomfortable by crying or being irritable until the adult does something for the child - and resonance is achieved and bonding happens. If the child does not get his needs met, the instinct to irritate is still active, but becomes a survival mechanism. How do people work? They give sympathy - they rescue if you look helpless - they want to feel that they have eased the hurt of the child, and that the child likes them. So the child very quickly learns to give them what they want and in doing so does not get ignored or hurt. It is amazing that very young children can learn this.
Many children (not all) who are in hospital for any length of time learn the pleasure of getting sympathy from everyone and anyone - strange people surround them and try to compensate for their suffering.
Many traumatised children learn to get the attention they need by trapping people in the 'please see me as a victim'. There are many that see all looked after children in this role anyway. And Adopters are tired of people saying 'Oh aren't you wonderful' Are they seen as rescuers?? If they are rescuers then there must be some victims and persecutors.
But the triange of RESCUER - VICTM - PERSECUTOR goes wrong. If the child is the victim and there are two more roles to be shared out - persecutor or rescuer - the Aunt/friend/passerby does not want to be the persecutor so they take on the role of rescuer - and very quickly see the adopters as the persecutors. (poor little girl with such strict parents) This suits the child who wants these people's positive attention (because they are not important) and wants the parents negative attention (because they are important and that is scary and doesn't fit their 'internal working model'). Unwittingly the rescuers start to be critcal of the parents - 'you are too hard on him', or 'He didn't mean it' or they just give you a look of 'why don't you watch how I get on with him' They mean to be helpful (that is what rescuing is) but instead they become the perpetrator in a new dance with child in the middle playing with them like a cat plays with a mouse. And it seems that whatever the parents do - they are still the bad guys.
What can we do?
1. Recognise and understand the behaviour for what it is - survival in a world full of people the child does not trust. The child needs to be in control and this is a good way of doing it, because most caring people don't realise they are being controlled.
2. Recognise and understand the message the child is giving. This can depend on what stage of recovery they are. At first it is about getting attention that they can control. Later, it is a message to the parents that the child is afraid of the loving boundaries that are set at home. This is too close and scary. So they set out to prove to themselves that they can still control adults. Another later message is (when they realise that this hurts you): 'I don't know how to let you know that I am hurting but I can make you feel it'. Or 'I have been rejected and it hurts - so now I will not only reject you but get your family and friends to reject you too - then you will know how much it hurts.' They anticipate rejection and so try to make it happen and still convince themselves that they can be in control.
3. What is the effect on you? As always – if the child has a message through their behaviour, the answer will be in recognising the effect on you. The feelings you have will be the feelings the child is intending you to get – and that is the message. ‘This is how I feel. I can’t tell you but I can give you the feeling’. The negative effect will be 'secondary trauma' so please read blog below on 'secondary trauma'.
4. Avoid trying to stop the behaviour - you will fall into the pit hole the child has dug for you and get increased criticism from the rescuing adult. Instead, stay calm (Kate Cairns calls in 'non-anxious presence') and stay with the child. Do not let this behaviour move you away. When separate from the rescuing adult, congratulate the child - 'you did well there - she feels sorry for you now' Do not use sarcasm.
5. Keep using the cognitive part of your brain to tell you that these feelings are not yours – they belong to your child who is frightened of loving you.
6. Anticipate that it will happen and plan a response that is gentle, accepting, playful (if you can), curious and empathic. And a response that does not drive you away. I leave that response to you to work out. Practice and practice – your child will give you lots of opportunities to practice.
7. Talk about this with someone who understands. This behaviour can be devastating, and you don’t need to survive it on your own.
8. If you visit a friend with a traumatised child notice when the child tries to charm you – it is very powerful. Work out a gentle response that is supportive to your friend as well as not rejecting the child.
WOW this behaviour is so powerful and often causes the splitting which is then adults playing out the fragmentation of the child’s trauma.
Keep well
Joy
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